Funny Wedding Ceremony Quotes to Be Read

These 12 Funny Ceremony Readings Will Delight Your Guests

Add a little laughter to your nuptials with one of these funny wedding ceremony readings, from children's books, movies, poems, and more.

Embarking on a lifelong commitment with the person you love is a momentous occasion, but that doesn't mean it's all serious business. Many couples choose to incorporate funny wedding ceremony readings to help lighten up the mood with a good balance of wit and humor. Of course, if you and your partner are writing your own vows, including some funny tidbits is a great way to make your ceremony feel more personal, but it doesn't have to stop there. Selecting funny wedding ceremony readings is an opportunity to showcase both of your personalities while putting a smile on all your guests' faces.

If you're making selections for your ceremony lineup, we've compiled the best funny wedding ceremony readings for every type of couple who loves a good laugh.

"I'll Be Here For You" by Louise Cuddon

A clever poem about facing life's ups and downs together.

I'll be there, my darling, through thick and through thin
When your mind's in a mess and your head's in a spin
When your plane's been delayed, and you've missed the last train.
When life is just threatening to drive you insane
When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page
When somebody tells you, you're looking your age
When your coffee's too cool, and your wine is too warm
When the forecast said, "Fine," but you're out in a storm
When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum
And your holiday photos show only your thumb
When you park for five minutes in a resident's bay
And return to discover you've been towed away
When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste
Just stick on your hips and don't reach round your waist
When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes
When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes
So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…
When you break a rule, when you act the fool
When you've got the flu, when you're in a stew
When you're last in the queue, don't feel blue
'cause I'm telling you, I'll be there.

"When I'm Sixty Four" by The Beatles

This classic song from The Beatles is a crowd favorite for a reason.

When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now
Will you still be sending me a Valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine
If I'd been out 'til quarter to three
Would you lock the door
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four
You'll be older too
And if you say the word
I could stay with you
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride
Doing the garden, digging the weeds
Who could ask for more
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four
Every summer we can rent a cottage
In the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera, Chuck and Dave
Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four

"Yes, I'll Marry You" by Pam Ayres

A feisty marriage poem that packs a punch.

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear.
And here's the reason why.
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry.
And if we hear a knocking
And it's creepy and it's late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I'll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It's you that has to mend it.
You have to face the neighbor
Should our Labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It's you that has to whack him.
Yes, I'll marry you,
You're virile and you're lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It's you who has to work the drill
And put up curtain track,
And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I DO, I DO, I DO!!

The Impressive Clergyman Quote from The Princess Bride

The most quotable line from everyone's favorite wedding movie—and a very funny wedding ceremony reading.

Mawwiage. Mawwiage is wat bwings us togeder today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dream…
And wuv, twue wuv, will fowwow you foweva…

"I Wanna Be Yours" by John Cooper Clarke

Light-hearted song lyrics to make everyone smile.

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere
I don't care
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
You'll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic Ocean
That's how deep is my devotion

"And I Have You" by Nikki Giovanni

We love the simple sweetness of this poem.

Rain has drops
Sun has shine
Moon has beams
That make you mine
Rivers have banks
Sands for shores
Hearts have heartbeats
That make me yours
Needles have eyes
Though pins may prick
Elmer has glue
To make things stick
Winter has Spring
Stockings feet
Pepper has mint
To make it sweet
Teachers have lessons
Soup du jour
Lawyers sue bad folks
Doctors cure
All and all
This much is true
You have me
And I have you

"Marriage is Like My Old Car" by Marie April Gismondi

A poem of comedy and marriage advice all mixed into one funny wedding ceremony reading.

The way I see it, marriage is like my old car.
When I bought it new from the dealership,
everyone around me was saying; "Wow that's a nice car!"
It was all bright and shiny and worthy of admiration.
And then as the years went by…
there were places where the paint was starting to peel off.
It got a little dent and a scratch or two here and there…
and once it was over a decade old…
People started saying; "Why are you still driving that old thing?"
But my car ran like a top and would never leave me high and dry.
Every time something sounded a little off, or needed attention,
I got to work on it and fixed whatever needed fixing immediately,
knowing that you get what you give.
And then, when she became "a classic",
it was off to the body shop she went for a new paint job.
People once again began saying; "Wow, that's a really nice car!"
But what they didn't know was that all the things that really matter,
were always things that nobody could see from the outside.
A marriage is like my old car.
It's the maintenance you do between the high of the wedding day,
and gaining the admiration your grandchildren
by being the couple who still laughs and shares secrets,
and still holds hands after all these years.
So don't worry so much about what people think or say.
Just do your oil changes, keep up with your maintenance,
get out and have fun,
don't be afraid to blow the dust off now and then,
and fix whatever breaks as soon as it happens.
This is my advice for a marriage
that will motor successfully on down the highway of life.

"The Romance" by Shel Silverstein

Humor on the sweeter side, this poem is classic as can be.

Said the pelican to the elephant,
"I think we should marry, I do.
'Cause there's no name that rhymes with me,
And no one else rhymes with you."
Said the elephant to the pelican,
"There's sense to what you've said,
For rhyming's as good a reason as any
For any two to wed."
And so the elephant wed the pelican,
And they dined upon lemons and limes,
And now they have a baby pelican,
And everybody rhymes.

"Love Me" by Bee Rawlinson

A clever little poem about growing old together.

Love me when I'm old and shocking
Peel off my elastic stockings
Swing me from the chandeliers
Let's be randy bad old dears.
Push around my chromed Bath Chair
Let me tease your white chest hair
Scaring children, swapping dentures
Let us have some great adventures.
Take me to your special places
Watching all the puzzled faces
You in shorts and socks and sandals
Me with warts and huge love-handles.
As the need for love enthralls
Wrestle with my damp proof smalls
Make me laugh without constraint
Buy me chocolate body paint.
Hold me safe throughout the night
When my hair has turned to white
Believe me when I say it's true
I've waited all my life for you.

"He Never Leaves The Seat Up" by Anon

A funny wedding ceremony reading for the couple who doesn't take themselves too seriously.

He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She's very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they'll have moved!
He's a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Where as she likes lazy days
He'll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favorite food
And spoils her day and night!
She's thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren't in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he's handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They're both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Where as she won't even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I'm sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He'll be more than just her husband
He'll also be her friend
And she'll be more than just his wife
She's be his soul mate 'til the end.

"I Like You" by Ben Rector

This sweet and simple song excerpt would be great read by a child.

There's no need to complicate it
Dress it up or overstate it
Without too much hesitation
Here's the way I feel
Well, I like you, I like you
Even when I don't try to
Yes I do, that's the truth
I like you

Your Personal Penguin by Sandra Boynton

A children's book reading with both humor and heart.

I like you a lot
You're funny and kind
So let me explain
What I have in mind.
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
I want to walk right by your side
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
I want to travel with you far and wide.
Wherever you go, I'll go there too
Here and there and ev'rywhere
And always with you.
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
From now on.
Now lots of other penguins seem to do fine
In a universe of nothing but ice
But if I could be yours and you could be mine
A cozy little world would be twice as nice.
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
I want to talk with you night and day
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
I want to listen to whatever you say.
Look at these wings, so perfect to hold you
I'd like to say again
What I have already told you
Let me be Your Personal Penguin
From now on.
Now lots of other penguins seem to do fine
In a universe of nothing but ice
But if I could be yours and you could be mine
A cozy little world would be twice as nice.
I want to be (want to be) Your Personal Penguin
I want to walk right by your side
I want to be (want to be) Your Personal Penguin
I want to travel with you far and wide.
Wherever you go, I'll go there too
Here and there and ev'rywhere
And always with you.
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
Imagine me, Your Personal Penguin
I want to be Your Personal Penguin
From now on.

Funny Wedding Ceremony Quotes to Be Read

These 12 Funny Ceremony Readings Will Delight Your Guests